PALINGUAGE GUIDE VOL. #1
If you’re a minority and you’re selected for a job over more qualified candidates you’re a “token hire.” If you’re a conservative and you’re selected for a job over more qualified candidates you’re a “game changer.”
If you live in an urban area and you get a girl pregnant you’re a “baby daddy.” If you’re the same in Alaska you’re a “teen father.” (Actually, according to your own MySpace page you’re an F’n redneck that don’t want any kids, but that’s too long a phrase for the evil liberal media to take out of context and flog morning noon and night).
Black teen pregnancies? A “crisis” in black America. White teen pregnancies? A “blessed event.”
If you grow up in Hawaii you’re “exotic.” Grow up in Alaska eating mooseburgers, you’re the quintessential “American story.”
Similarly, if you name your kid Barack you’re “unpatriotic.” Name your kid Track, you’re “colorful.”
If you’re a Democrat and you make a VP pick without fully vetting the individual you’re “reckless.” A Republican who doesn’t fully vet is a “maverick.”
If you say that for the “first time in my adult lifetime I’m really proud of my country” it makes you “unfit” to be First Lady. If you are a registered member of a fringe political group that advocates secession that makes you “First Dude.”
A speech given without proper citation from twenty years ago is “relevant information.” A DUI from twenty years ago is “old news.”
If you’re a man and you decide to run for office despite your wife’s reoccurrence of cancer you’re a “questionable spouse.” If you’re a woman and you decide to run for office despite having five kids including a newborn with Downs Syndrome… Well, we don’t know what that is ‘cause THAT’S NOT A FAIR QUESTION TO ASK!
PALINGUAGE GUIDE VOL. #1
If you get 18 million people to vote for you in a national presidential primary, you’re a “phony.” Get 100,000+ people to vote you governor of the 47th most populous state in the Union, you’re “well loved.”
If you are biracial and born in a state not connected to the lower 48, America needs darn near 2 years and 3 major speeches to “get to know you.” If you’re white and from a state not connected to the lower 48, America needs 36 minutes and 38 seconds worth of an acceptance speech to know you’re “one of us.”
If you give your wife a dap on stage, it’s actually a “terrorist fist jab.” If your daughter licks her palm so that she can slick down your youngest child’s hair on national TV it’s an “adorable moment.” (Seriously, forget about abstinence only, teach these folks some grooming skills).
If your pastor rails against inequality in the United States of America, you’re an “extremist.” If your pastor welcomes a sermon by a member of Jews for Jesus who preaches that the killing of Jews by terrorists is a lesson to Jews that they must convert to Christianity, you’re a “fundamentalist.”
If you’re a black man and you use a scholarship to get into college, then work your way up to being the president of the Harvard Law Review, you’re “uppity.”If you’re a conservative and your parents pay your way to Hawaii Pacific University . . . you only have four more schools to attend over the next five years before you somehow manage to graduate (it might be five more schools over the next five years. No one has yet verified whether or not Palin was actually ever registered at the University of Hawaii at Hilo. But, you know how shady people are who ever attended any kind of school in Hawaii).
If you’re 18, black, and impregnate a 16 year old girl, you’re a “registered sex offender.”If you’re 18, white, and get a 16 year old girl pregnant “life happens.”
If you spend 18 months building a campaign around the theme of “Change,” it’s just “empty rhetoric.” If one week before your party’s national convention you SUDDENLY make your candidacy about “Change,” that’s “red meat.”
And lastly: If you are a Democrat, an Independent, or even a moderate Republican, if you’re female, male, white, black, Asian, Hispanic, bi-racial, multi-ethnic, or GLBT, if you’re a Jew, Gentile, Muslim, agnostic or atheist - “Yes, we can!” If you’re a pitbull with lipstick from Alaska, “Yup, yup!”